KAYAK: Fourth of July Fireworks Paddle — aka… Riverwalk Ragnarök

   

This was the one fireworks tour I worked this season (the fella worked most of them, but they conflicted with my shift at the climbing gym, so no fireworks for me, usually)… so it was a rare treat to go out together this evening (we had all hands on-deck and every single boat rented out or staffed- only a few busted leakers not out on the water). The summer holidays are always grueling with non-stop rentals and fully-booked tours, and this one was no exception.

We got a brief moment of calm out on the water to enjoy the show (in between wrangling drifting guests, trying to keep an open water channel for the Coast Guard & FD boats, keeping an eye on all the rec boats motoring around semi-soberly, and making sure none of our guests were being squirrelly in their kayaks- this would NOT have been the time to have to do a rescue).

And we were uneasy for another reason- major thunderstorms in the forecast. It really wasn’t a good night to be out late on the water, but no way were the bosses going to cancel on one of their biggest nights of the year. So. We watched the sky nervously, as the clouds lit up from behind the fireworks… lightning. And a few fat raindrops. Then a few more. Fu¢k. And then… the skies opened. 

I was never more grateful that the dock was just past the harbor on the main branch (basically the worst place to launch newbies into the river, with constant boat traffic out of the locks to immediately cross… but at least when they’d capsize, the water was cleaner than anywhere else on the river? Silver linings, I guess). We get everyone turned around and start mama-ducking them back to our dock in our duck-yellow guide boats. A few of our crew had raced ahead to get there first & get their boats out of the way so they could be back on deck to start hauling guests and boats up the slippery aluminum dock. The rest made sure all the renters made it back, as their open cockpit recreational boats were filling up with even more water than usual and being paddled by panicked beginners. Fun!

“Luckily” we were all already soaked, because otherwise we would have been after trying to dump the river and stormwater quickly out of each boat, then clean and jerk them onto our shoulders and run up the dock ramp (as renters were frantically trying to also get up the gangway). It’s raining sideways in sheets, and I can barely see the pedestrians who are screaming and running away from the lake shore and down the Riverwalk to try to get away from the lightening as we are throwing boats wherever we can on the ground. K turns to a coworker and says, “It’s like ‘Nam out here!” There is nothing to do but laugh maniacally at the absurdity and do the work- the faster we can get everyone off the water, the faster we can get off the aluminum dock in a lightening storm… and THEN worry about trying to get the drenched boats back into the shipping containers. Ride the adrenaline rush now, think about it… later? Usually we dried the boats out before putting them away, but the rain was coming down faster than we would have been able to empty it. The next day, of course, will suck for those of us opening (it did), but there’s nothing we can do about that now.

Clearly, the gods are very angry with America today… can’t imagine why, except for the millions of reasons too long to list… but thankfully, we got all of our guests safely back on land, and it had mostly let up by the time we had to bike back home. Some of the other tour companies weren’t so lucky, as their docks were all the way up the main or in the north branch- some people ditched their boats and got out on the ladders for City Winery and other Riverfront restaurants, or got scooped up by private & tour boats. Thankfully as far as I know no one on the river was seriously injured, though a few people on the lakefront were struck by lightning and had to go to the ER. 

And that, my friends, is why you don’t piss off Þórr, and how we definitely earned those ice cream sundaes (insert a joke about Captain America and Thor here too, I guess)…